Date: 2007-02-25 08:49 Subject: waking up Security: Public

I feel as though I have been in a dream for the last couple of months.  Soon I am going to wake up and realize what I have missed and that will be a big dissapointment.  I don't want to feel that way.  It's coming though I can feel it.  I have just been going through the motions of life and things need to change.

Date: 2005-10-30 22:20 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

LJ Interests meme results

1. ben stiller:
   He is a weird looking dude but I love how his characters are always in uncomfortable positions
2. dogs:
   This one is so obvious. Dogs are cute duh!
3. ferris bueller's day off:
   One of my favorite 80's movies
4. harry potter:
   I'm going to marry him when he is old enough. Rawr.
5. kevin spacey:
   LOVE him in everything he's been in!!!
6. pooh:
   I meant Winnie the Pooh. But talking about pooh is pretty funny.
7. rusted root:
   Good band.
8. stephen king:
   I do have to admit his books scare me.
9. the inferno:
   I got hooked on the Real World Road Rules chalange when I lived in Virginia Beach.
10. will farrell:
    He makes me laugh out loud!

Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list.

Date: 2005-10-07 22:49 Subject: The Chill Of Autumn Security: Public

I could see the agony in his face when he said "She also has a mental issue," as I was writing down her illnesses in the chart. I had asked her if she was feeling any pain today and she giggled and said "I hope."

For lack of anything better to say I replied with "It's not a problem."

He said "Well maybe not for you," in a joking manner but could see in his eyes the moments of devestitation he had been through. I imagined that they had been married for many years and I knew that she didn't recognize him. That alone could break a heart not to mention the moments of confusion he endured with her. The anger and frustration she must go through is inconcievable to me, and he has been there next to her the whole time no doubt. I can tell just by looking at his face.

And when he says "Well maybe not for you." I am speachless. I say "I'm sorry," and what I want to say is "You poor man to be going through this. How horrible you must feel, how terrible this must be for you. My heart goes out to you." I think he sees all of this in my face which is filled with sympathy.
I have this aching to take all of this from him or at least some of it to lighten the load.

I walk to my car after work chilled to the bone. Autumn has blown in with the wind which is heavy and relentless. Soon winter will be here to add a bite to the chill that is sudden upon us. Yesterday it was 75 degrees and sunny and when I return home to my family, my daughter and husband who are both sound of mind, it is below 50. I think about how unpredictable life is sometimes and how it can change overnight. I think about that man and his wife who was probably seemingly struck with alzheimers in the same manner that the weather has changed these past days.


I wish that somehow I could change his situation for him. Maybe the sympathy he saw in my eyes made him feel as though he weren't alone, as many of us do when we're in agony. Maybe he knows that there are kind people in this world who know what it's like to lose a loved one just as he in many way has. I can only hope that I did at least that much for him.

It is no doubt that the next few months will be cold and dark for him. I just hope that occasionally he feels the warmth of summer embrace him and that it allows him to get through yet another grueling day.

Date: 2005-08-21 21:05 Subject: Peace Security: Public Mood: content Music: None

I think I'm finaly and truly happy. That is all.

Date: 2005-08-07 22:32 Subject: Sorrow comes in threes Security: Public

I guess I'll list the news from least devistating to most.

My sister fell down the stairs at work and they think she may have cracked rib. But she's doing ok she's not dead at least.

My mother in law is leaving her new boyfriend and moving to Rochester (the moving to Rochester isn't so bad)

The worst news is that one of my best friends was pregnant with twins, identical boys and she lost them on Thursday both of them. She doesn't want anyone to call with their condolences. I can't blame her I would want to shut out the whole world if I were her. I just pray that she gets through this and that her normally selfish husband is more than selfless through all of this. I'm sure he's hurting close to as much as she is. My heart goes out to her over and over and over again. I just wish there was something that I could do for her other than care.

The most fucked up part about all of this news is that I knew somehow that most of this stuff was going to happen. I knew that there would be drama with my mother in law. I knew that she would be moving back to Rochester. I just said it to Dennis about a week ago. I also knew that the twins were boys and that she was going to lose them only I didn't know I knew it. They were just thoughts that went through my head several times within the last few weeks and I can't explain why other than the thoughts were premonitions.

And what's strange is that me, Dennis and Willow are doing just fine. It's everyone else that's in distress. I'm waiting for something to happen.

Date: 2005-08-02 17:45 Subject: I had to sorry. Security: Public

I'm too superstitous not to post this.


Supposedly The Phone Will Ring
Right After You Do This.

Just read the little stories and
think of a wish as you scroll all
the way to the bottom. There is
a message there - then make your
wish.

No attachment on this one.

Stories

I'm 13 years old, and I wished
that my dad would come home from
the army, because he'd been having
problems with his heart and right
leg. It was 2:53 p.m . When I made
my wish. At 3:07 p.m. (14 minutes
later), the doorbell rang, and
there my Dad was, luggage and all!!

I'm Katie and I'm 20 and I've been
having trouble in my job and on the
verge of quitting. I made a simple
wish that my boss would get a new
job. That was at 1:35 and at 2:55
there was an announcement that he
was promoted and was leaving for
another city. Believe me...this
really works!!!

My name is Ann and I am 45 years
of age. I had always been single
and had been hoping to get into a
nice, loving relationship for many
years. While kind of daydreaming
(and right after receiving this email)
I wished that a quality person would
finally come into my life. That was at
9:10 AM on a Tuesday. At 9:55 AM
a FedEx delivery man came into my
office.He was cute, polite and
could not stop smiling at me. He
started coming back almost everyday
(even without packages) and asked me
out a week later. We married 6
months later and now have been
happily married for 2 years.

What a great email it was!!

Just scroll down to the end, but
while you do, think of a wish.
Make your wish when you have completed
scrolling. Whatever age you are, is the
number of minutes it will take for your
wish to come true. ex.you are 25 years
old, it will take 25 minutes for your wish
to come true).

However, if you don't send this to
people in 5 minutes, you will have bad
luck for years!!

Go for it!!!

SCROLL DOWN!!!!

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STOP!!!

Congratulations!!! Your wish will
now come true in your age minutes.

Now follow this carefully....it
can be very rewarding!!!!

If you repost this within the next 5 min.
something major that you've been wanting
will happen.

Message: This is scary!

The phone will ring right after
you do this

Date: 2005-06-21 12:47 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I was sitting at work talking to one of our patients. She's a very sweet lady and I really get along with her. We have a lot in common and I think that she sees a lot of herself in me. I don't usually talk about my financial situation to people that I don't really know well but I had just borrowed five dollars to put in my checking account from my boss (she offered) to make sure that a check did not bounce so I felt kind of guilty about it and when I feel guilty I usually confess whatever it is I feel guilty about. So I told her this and she hands me a twenty. I told her no but she refused to take it back. She said to me "I know what it's like." Now I feel guilty about that even though I am more than grateful for her kindness. I was able to buy lunch and give Laurie her money back that I had just borrowed.

I've known a lot of people in my life and I somehow am always blessed with most of them. I can't even begin to explain how full I feel lately. I truly am a lucky person!!!

Date: 2005-06-19 16:54 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Co pointed out that I haven't really been happy lately. Then Jerry confirmed it when I talked to him the other day. He sees the same thing about me lately. I guess no, I haven't been happy. I'm definitely not myself. Sometimes I'm a glimmer of who I was even when I lived in Japan I think I was happier or at least laughed more. I think Jerry was right in way. He said that I had an idea of what was going to happen when I came home and when it didn't turn out the way I had imagined I became depressed. I was aware that it wasn't going to be the same as it was before I left I just thought there would be more opportunity for fun and school. But lately all I've been doing is working, coming home so Dennis can work and watching Willow when Dennis isn't. I think my lifestyle at the moment is just stressful and I know that it will change sometime soon.

What Co said to me is also true. I need definitely to realize that even though my life isn't stress free that at least I have people who love me and a roof over my head and food to eat. That is what's most important. I need to take more chances though and to have more confidence in myself. Confidence that my dad no longer owns anymore. He took it from a long time ago and now it's time for me to take it back. There's nothing I can do to change the past but I can most definitely shape my future just by my attitude and my drive.

In the last couple of years I have been through some tough things and I've overcome them all. I can certainly get through this and more. I'm a strong person, it's just believing it that's the hard part. And I shouldn't fool myself into believing that anyone else is more capable than I am. I am just as capable as anyone else.

I sent away for information on working in nutrition and fitness. It's just something I'm going to look into. It interests me and if it sounds good I might apply for the program. First I have to find out how much it's going to cost and then I'll go from there. But at least I'm looking into a future.

Date: 2005-06-17 17:34 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I wish I could buy time, but if I could I wouldn't have the money for it. Such is life.

Date: 2005-06-01 11:39 Subject: So far June has been a fucking bummer Security: Public

.....

Date: 2005-06-01 11:35 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I want something to come along and take all of this depressing shit away. I want someone to tell me what it is I need to do. But I know that isn't going to happen and so I'll have to try to find a way to keep my head from exploding off of my shoulders. I'm seriously ready to scream or throw something or smoke a cigarette. OH what a cigarette could do for me right now. I think for the five minutes that it would put me in a hazy state it might be worth it, but I know that it isn't. I'll just keep gritting my teeth and shoving all of my bad thoughts to the back of my head and pray that I make it through this terrible fucking time in my life.

Date: 2005-05-12 22:34 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

My ass is exploding with terrible gas. I can't believe the foul smell that has been associated with these terribly loud rumblings.

Anyway, completely off subject. Willow is allergic to penicillin. We discovered this yesterday morning when she woke up with a rash that covered her entire body pretty much. We took her to the same doctor that prescribed her with the medicine and now she's on several different medications to get rid of the reaction. The poor thing couldn't even sleep last night, she just cried out for me over and over again. Finaly we decided that the best thing would be to sleep in the living room so that she could watch cartoons and it worked. She fell asleep watching Daria, and finaly I was able to sleep for the first time all night.


So this is what's been going on with me. Me and Dennis have been dealing with a terribly cranky little girl and I'm so tired that I think I might just have to get off the computer this instance.

Date: 2005-05-01 12:58 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

THIRTEEN RANDOM THINGS YOU LIKE:
01) My family (Dennis and Willow)
02) My work (surprisingly enough)
03) MOVIES
04) The smell of dead fall leaves after rain
05) The sound of birds in the morning
06) Rollercoasters
07) Playing sports (no one really knows that about me)
08) Hackey Sack
09) The Theater
10) Swimming
11) Driving with the windows down in summer
12) The smell of summer
13) Family reunions

TWELVE MOVIES:
01) The Color Purple
02) Fight Club
03) American Beauty
04) Rocky
05) Gone With the Wind
06) 50 First Dates
07) American History X
08) Pretty Woman
09) Rain Man
10) Shrek
11) Steel Magnolias
12) I Am Sam

ELEVEN GOOD BANDS/ARTISTS:
01) Ani DiFranco
02) Led Zepplin
03) Jet
04) Tori Amos
05) Dave Mathews Band (Yes I'm a fan)
06) Elliot Smith
07) Badly Drawn Boy
08) Elvis
09) No Doubt
10) The Beatles
11) Elton John

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOU:
01) I've moved so many times in my life I can't count them all
02) I don't know my real father
03) I lived in Japan for almost 2 years
04) I'm pretty optimistic
05) I enjoy scrapbooking
06) One of my best friends lives in Arizona
07) I have an older sister that not many people know about
08) My stepdad adopted me when I was in fourth grade
09) I love drawing, painting and anything to do with the arts
10) I secretly want to be an actress

NINE GOOD FRIENDS:
01) carine sargeant
02) Cheryl Adelsperger
03) Jerry White
04) Michelle Brownfield
05) Danielle Perry
06) Tory Reilly
07) Gina McLoon
08) Ben Perry
09) Shaina Perry

EIGHT FAVORITE FOOD/DRINKS:
01) Pepsi
02) green tea
03) shrimp scampi
04) calamari
05) chocolate cake
06) corn on the cob
07) popcorn
08) sex on the beach

SEVEN THINGS YOU WEAR DAILY:
01) bra
02) underwear
03) a belt
04) wedding ring
05) socks
06) rubberband in cas I need to put my hair up
07) purse

SIX THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU:
01) bad drivers
02) stepping on food in the kitchen with bare feet
03) selfish people
04) dishonesty
05) people who complain about their life but don't do anything about it
06) sneaker high heals

FIVE FAVORITE BOOKS:
01) The Picture of Dorian Grey
02) Little Women
03) Harry Potter
04) The Complete Works of Shakespeare
05) The Green Mile

FOUR SHOWS YOU WATCH:

01) America's Next Top Model
02) The Surreal Life
03) Family Guy
04) Friends


THREE CELEBRITIES YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON:
01) Jude Law
02) Orlando Bloom
03) David Letterman (that isn't a typo)

Two people you'd like to kiss:
01) Dennis
02) ?

One person you could spend the rest of your life with:
01) Dennis and I've already spent a bit of my life with him

Date: 2005-04-27 17:29 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Umm well, I don't know what to say. I wanted to go out to have a drink in his memory but it's just not possible. I'll have one here at home. I miss him and think of him frequently.

I'm at a loss for words.

Date: 2005-04-26 23:25 Subject: Is this fitting? Security: Public

You're a little gold key, and you unlock other
people's hearts. Your kindness and willingness
to be there for those you care about lets
people open up to you knowing they will be
accepted. People will rely on you, but be
careful not to give more than you have.


What sort of key are you and what do you unlock?
brought to you by Quizilla

Date: 2005-04-16 23:49 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I want to write and write and write. But I have nothing to say. I want to put down in words what I feel but I want it to mean something. I don't want them to be just words. I want them to project an image, preferably one that people will enjoy, or admire or learn from or all of the above. I have many things to say on many different subjects I just don't know how to display them.


I have a kink in my back. I am about fifteen pounds overweight. I want to be healthy, I want to be strong. B-O-O H-O-O.

I want to feel like I am someone and I am important too. But who doesn't want that?

Date: 2005-04-14 16:33 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I was told that soon I'll be getting more hours at the doctor's office. I'm very excited. I was hoping that this would happen for me. Me and Dennis need this now more than anything. My only concern is our time together. But you know it probably won't be much different than when he was in the military. Now it's just that we're both working. We'll get used to it.

Date: 2005-01-08 23:52 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

Been watching movies a lot lately. The other night we watched Princess Mononoke.  Tonight I watched Employee of The Month.  Last week we watched Shawn of the Dead.  It's been movie after movie.  We're waiting patiently I suppose to come home.  Dennis is working on D&D between working on coming home.  And when I get the chance I work on scrap booking.  We've been busy and tomorrow we're going to be even busier. 

Wednesday we're leaving to come home.  YAY!  We move in on the 14th in our new place but I don't think we'll be getting our stuff until about the 19th or later.  Hopefully we can get it sooner.  Soon after we move in and get settled we'll be heading up north to see my family.  My aunt just had a baby when we were last home and I can't wait to spend some time with him and the rest of the older members of my family. :)  I miss my mom and my sister.  My sister will be getting married soon and her fiance is going in to the Air Force.  How strange!

Willow is growing like I could never have imagined she would.  We were looking at an alphabet book and we came across a penguin. I asked what else we call it (because of Dora The Explorer) and she gave me the spanish pronunciation of it.  She is fantastically brilliant.